


Sliding Doors

by sapphyre20



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Carisi x Rollins, Drama, F/M, Olivia and Carisi friendship, Olivia and Rollins friendship, Rollins x Carisi, Rollisi, Romance, SVU - Freeform, law and order svu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-30
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:33:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24063637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphyre20/pseuds/sapphyre20
Summary: Set shortly after the 21x20 finale, so spoilers if you haven't finished yet || The timing for Carisi and Rollins has never been quite right...until now.
Relationships: Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr. & Amanda Rollins
Comments: 15
Kudos: 40





	1. You Just Missed Her

**Author's Note:**

> Set shortly after the events of the season 21 finale. Spoilers if you're not fully caught up! 
> 
> Planning to have this story unfold over a few chapters - check in for the latest installment soon! xx

Carisi was fuming. 

He’s still staring at the empty space in front of his desk where Amanda stood, ten minutes earlier. 

How could she do that to him? Just when he’d put his romantic feelings for her to rest? 

‘We could have a drink or three,’ the words echo in his head as he breaks his vacant stare and rests his face in his hands. He’d seen that look, that hair flip, directed at other men before, he knew she wanted someone to hook up with because she was feeling overwhelmed by work or the kids. 

But he could never be happy being a one night stand, surely she knew that by now? After he’d stood by her through two pregnancies, countless cases, career changes, family drama…

Carisi picks his head up and looks at the office around him, which now looks even more drab in the waning light. He’s gotta get out of here, get some fresh air and change out of the suit he’s been wearing for two days. 

He grabs his jacket from the back of his chair, picks up the miscellany of Sir Toby files he’s been flipping through for the hundredth time, and flicks off the dim office lights before heading for the elevator. 

The loud clap of his leather loafers against the smooth hallway floors reverberates as he makes his way to the elevator. It’s hard to believe it’s almost been six months since starting his new ADA gig. They’d just hired another new ADA, so he wasn’t technically the ‘new guy’ anymore, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that his new coworkers were watching him closely, waiting for him to screw up. To his ivy league educated, seasoned prosecutor counterparts, he was still the SVU detective who the DA’s office took a chance on. 

When he steps out of the elevator and into the atrium of the Manhattan DA’s office, he’s surprised to see his old captain making her way towards him. 

He waves his hand to greet her, “Hey Cap’n!”

“Carisi! I’m glad I caught you, I wanted to check in on how the Moore case is going. Things got a bit heated in there today. Here, I’ll walk out with you.” The two make their way towards the building’s exit. 

Olivia’s worried look is one he recognizes well from his days with the squad when he was either burning the candle at two ends or taking a case especially hard. He does his best to grin, not wanting to raise alarm, “Well…at this rate I’ll still be tryin’ this case when I’m Sir Tobey’s age. I’ve had to deal with some squirrelly defendants, but he takes it to a whole ‘nother level. Don’t worry Liv, we’ll get him.” 

“Alright, glad to hear it. How are you holding up?” They’ve paused at the bottom of the steps leading up to the DA’s building, where they’re met with the chorus of NYC nighttime sounds – cars honking, taxi drivers yelling from cabs whizzing by, and the muffled conversations of passerby. 

“Really Liv, I’m okay. ‘Manda already swung by to check on me, told her the same thing.”

Olivia laughs and squeezes his elbow reassuringly, “Okay, you let us know if there’s anything we can help out with. Did Amanda tell you about her news?” 

Carisi furrows his brow, thoughts flying through his mind, “No…she’s not pregnant agai-“ 

Olivia cuts him off, chuckling, “No, no, nothing like that. It’s not really my news to share, but you’ll be hearing about it on Monday. Amanda’s being promoted to Detective Second Grade.” 

Sergeant! He feels like an idiot, that’s why she wanted to grab a drink. To share her promotion news and he’d turned her down. “That’s incredible news! Can’t thinking of anyone who deserves it more.” 

Olivia squeezes his arm again and gets in one more “Seriously, Carisi. Take care of yourself,” before heading in the direction of her apartment. 

He glances at his watch, he still has time to grab a bottle of her favorite bourbon and make it to her apartment by the girls’ bedtime. 

***

He can’t help but feel the familiar nerves as he knocks on the door of her apartment, bourbon bottle in hand. How many times had he been here before? 

To his surprise, Amanda doesn’t answer the door. In her place stands her babysitter. 

“Hey Dianna! ‘Manda not home yet?” 

“Hey Sonny, no she called to let me know she’s gonna be back late. Whatchya got there?” She eyes the bottle peeking out of his brown paper bag. 

He unveils his gift and hands it over to her, “Could I leave this with you? It’s a congratulatory bourbon for her promotion.” 

Dianna’s eyes light up, “I didn’t know she’s being promoted! That’s amazing news. Sure thing, do you want to leave a note? I think I saw a spare card laying around here somewhere…” She disappears into the kitchen and he steps into the familiar apartment. He always felt at home here, making Amanda laugh with his dumb jokes and stories and playing with Jessie and Billy. 

Dianna hands him a blank notecard and pen and he jots down a note for Amanda, signing it with the name he’d called her earlier, ‘Dominick.’ 

He thanks Dianna and heads to the door, with his hand on the door knob, he turns around and as an afterthough asks, “Hey Dianna, d’you know where Amanda is?” 

“Umm, I think she said something about meeting up with a friend. Hasim something.” 

His grip tightens on the door handle as he steps through the door’s frame. “Ah, I see. Night Dianna.”

As the door clicks into place, he feels the familiar pang in his chest. Walking down the stairs and out into the cold night air, the only thought in his mind is, “Hasim. Hasim Khaldun.”


	2. You Just Missed Him

Amanda fumbles with her keys before finally finding the old brass key for her front door. “Here it is. Be quiet, sounds like the night sitter was able to get the girls down.”

She shoots Hasim a furtive glance as the key turns in the lock. He’s leaning against the door frame and his eyes, slightly glazed over from matching her drink for drink at O’Hallorans, meet hers and he grins, “Really, Amanda, are you sure? I just wanted to make sure you got home…”

“Trust me, I’m sure.” She shoots back before he can finish. It had been a long time since she’d brought a man back to her apartment. A very long time. And after the week she’d had, and being turned down earlier in the night, she didn’t want to go to sleep alone.

They cross the threshold into her apartment and Diana, the sitter, stirs from her spot on the couch. The room is dark except for a light on in the corner and the glow of Diana’s cell phone. 

“Hey Diana, this is my friend Hasim,” she whispers, gesturing to the man over her shoulder, “Did the girls get to sleep okay?”

Dianna waves at Hasim, “Hey! Yeah, Billy was a dream as usual. Went to sleep no problem. Jessie was another story, but finally got her down around 9.”

Amanda’s not surprised. From day one, Jessie was always a bit of a handful. She doesn’t know what she would have done without Carisi in those first months. The child had been smitten with him from day one – he was one of the only people who could calm her down as a baby and still to this day had a supernatural ability to reason with her childlike logic.

“Thanks Di, you’re a lifesaver. This should cover tonight and I put in some extra for the late night.” She hands over a wad of bills, “Can I call you a cab?”

Dianna laughs, “No don’t worry, my Uber’s waiting downstairs. I’ll let you know when I get home, don’t worry Momma Rollins,” she winks at her employer, before grabbing her things and heading to the door.

She moves to close the door behind her, before poking her head back in, “Oh! Shoot almost forgot, Sonny stopped by with a gift. I left it on the kitchen counter,” sending them both a cheery wave as she exits.

Amanda’s blue-eyed gaze darts over to kitchen cabinet, lingering on a dark bottle.

“Hey – do you mind if I use the bathroom?” Hasim’s voice asks from behind her. Amanda turns around and he’s taken his shoes off and placed them neatly next to the doorframe.

She smiles and points him in the direction of the bathroom, “Sure, first door on the right.” Amanda watches his tall frame disappear into the shadowy hallway. From the first case they’d worked together, something about the younger detective had caught her interest. He was confident, funny, compassionate, and yet…

Her eyes flicker back to the kitchen counter and she moves closer to get a better look. Why had Carisi come by? He’d been clear he had other things to do tonight. The bourbon he’s left her is her go to and she notices a small card peeking out from underneath the bottle.

Lifting the bottle up, she slides the note out and makes out the distinctive, neat handwriting of Carisi:

_Amanda, sorry I missed you. Dianna mentioned you were out with Sgt. Khaldun. Cap told me about your promotion – here’s a celebratory drink on me. Can’t think of anyone more deserving of the recognition. The passion and dedication you approach your life with serves as a continual source of inspiration to everyone around you, including myself. Your girls are lucky to have such an incredible role model to look up to. Can’t wait to see what you do next. – Dominick._

Dominick. She rubs the pad of her thumb over the name that she uses in the rare, quiet moments they have alone together.

The pit of her stomach sinks. He must’ve changed his mind and swung by for the drink she’d invited him to after all. And when he’d gotten here, he realized she was out with another man.

She hears Hasim pad softly back into the living area. She smiles uneasily. Seasoned investigator that he is, he immediately picks up that something’s wrong, “Hey, everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah…You know I’m feeling kind of tired, I don’t kno—” Hasim cuts her off, “Hey, no need to explain yourself. It’s late, you’ve had a long week. Raincheck?”

She nods, lifting her chin upwards and meets his lips with her own. For a second she loses herself in the kiss, before the feeling of the note in her hand brings her back.

She pulls back from Hasim and squeezes his arm, “Right, raincheck. Thanks again for tonight, it was fun hanging out with another adult for a change.”

As the door clicks closed behind him, she fishes her phone out of her jacket pocket. Is it too late to text Carisi? Looking at the big ’11:56 PM’ at the top of her screen, she knows he’s awake, probably watching one of the bad reality shows they used to watch together. Why had they stopped doing that? For the second time tonight, she finds her mind yearning nostalgically for those early days with Jessie when the three of them had formed their own dysfunctional family unit.

What had gotten into her lately? When she and Carisi were partners, she had seldomly thought about him. But after he’d left her for the DA’s office, he occupied more and more of her headspace. Lately, she’d even found herself flirting with him. And then tonight’s encounter.

The events of earlier flash through her mind, still clear as day, despite the alcohol in her system. Their shared history and things left unsaid electrifying the silence between them after he’d turned her down for a drink. God, how much she’d wanted to close the distance between them. To feel his arms around her, to run her hands over his tired and slumped shoulders, to tell him of her newly discovered passion for him with a kiss…

But they were at the DA’s office, and he was busy, and she could feel him pulling away. That was the scariest thing to her, that she was only just realizing her feelings for this man as he seemed to be moving on. She’d known he had feelings for her when they were partners. How could she not? The looks he’d give her when she saw her with Nick, the protective way he talked about her when he thought she couldn’t hear him, the way he softly said her name to wake her up when she’d started to doze off while holding baby Jessie.

She sighs, putting her phone back in her pocket, moving to turn off the sole lamp in the living room. She’d thank him in the morning. 

* * *

When Amanda walks into the squad room on Monday, she’s one of the first people there. She can’t help but think back to that young detective she’d been when first joining the squad, she could probably count on one hand the number of times that first year when she’d beaten everyone into the office. Waking up early hadn’t exactly been a strong suit.

After grabbing a cup of coffee from the break room, she heads back to her desk and pulls out her phone. She hadn’t responded to Carisi yet, couldn’t bring herself to find the right words. She knew what she wanted to say – I wish you didn’t know where I’d gone after leaving you, I wish I’d stayed home so I could spend the night with you, I wish you’d come back into my life. Instead, she settles on:

_Hey, thanks for the gift and the note. Let’s grab that drink soon._

As she hits send, an unknown number flashes across her screen. She clicks ‘Decline,’ before greeting Fin who’s already launching into a story about his weekend, as he settles into his desk across from her.

“Man, Rollins, you would never believe where Ken and Alejandro brought me for dinner on Saturday. Picture this: Normal restaurant that they charge a premium at so you can have the ‘experience’ of eating with the lights turned off. The staff kept saying some bullshit like it ‘elevates’ the flavor.”

Amanda laughs, “In my house, we call that forgetting to pay the electric bill. How’re Ken and Alejandro?”

Before he can answer, Olivia and Kat walk into the squad room from the elevator bank together. Olivia nods at the two of them, “Hey you two. Good weekends?”

“Fin paid some yuppies $50 so he could eat his turkey sandwich in the dark.” Amanda teases, raising her eyebrows at Fin who rolls his eyes.

“In my defense, not my idea. Ken and Alejandro roped me into it.”

Olivia laughs, shaking her head, “What will they think up next. Fin, can I chat with you in my office?”

As the two close Olivia’s office door behind them, Kat starts unpacking her bag and swivels her chair to look at Amanda. “Good weekend with the girls?”

Amanda nods, recalling their conversation before the weekend, “How was…Gina?”

Kat laughs, “Gina did not disappoint. Looked nothing like her picture, but I guess that’s a hazard of the online dating game. You have a lot of paperwork today?” Looking inquisitively at the stack of folders on Amanda’s desk.

“Yeah, have to wrap up some loose ends from the Ivy Bucci case. It’s probably gonna take me most of today. Leave it to a Bucci to leave me a mountain of paperwork.” Amanda sighs, and picks up the folder on the top of the pile.

* * *

Amanda manages to get through most of the paperwork by the end of her shift. Around five, she checks her phone and no sign of a response from Carisi yet. But she did have three more missed calls from an unknown number. Just as she’s going to look into when they called, the number pops up on her screen as an incoming call.

Annoyed more than anything, she decides to pick up the unknown call, “Yeah, Rollins here.”

“Amanda?” An unfamiliar man’s voice on the other end of the line asks.

“Yeah, who’s this?”

“Arty, Arty Mayfield. My fiancée Dianna babysits for you some nights. She’s missing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will the team be able to find Dianna? And is it too late for something to happen between Rollins & Carisi? Check in later this week to find out in the next chapter.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed! Let me know what you think


	3. Boundaries

“Thank you for your statement, Mr. Mayfield. We’re talking to several people to create a timeline of her movements the night she disappeared. Detective Tasmin will give you a lift home, along with a few of our colleagues who will set up your phone tap in case you receive any suspicious calls.” Amanda watches Fin guide Arty Mayfield out of interrogation one. The young man is probably 25 or 26, well-dressed except for two mismatching socks. His hair is parted neatly at one side and frames a square jawline and he nods his head along vigorously at Fin’s words.

“Thank you, Sergeant Tutuola, please let me know if there’s anything else I can do.” He shakes Fin’s hand and follows Kat from the squad room. As Fin turns in her direction, Amanda can see how tired he is in the way he rubs his forehead and slumps his shoulders forward. She’s sat across from the man for nearly a decade and can read him like a book.

“Fin, I got a hold of Khaldun. He’s on his way over, should be here any minute.”

He nods and gestures towards the interview room they usually use to talk to victims, “Alright, let’s get this over with so you can get out of here. At least one of us will get a good night’s sleep.” 

Amanda closes the door behind them and settles in across the small wooden table from Fin. She’s facing the window that overlooks the city street. Through the window behind Fin, Amanda can see the last soft orange glimmer of daylight reflecting off the buildings outside. Her thoughts are on Khaldun, who she’d been asked to call in to give a formal statement about Friday night. This isn’t how she’d envisioned their next encounter.

Amanda’s attention is brought back to the room by the sound of a sharp ‘click’ as Fin turns on the antiquated recording device that sits on the table between them.

He speaks slowly and clearly for the tape, “Detective Rollins, can you tell me what time you arrived home on Friday night?”

* * *

Carisi pulls back the sleeve of his camel coat to check his watch as he crosses the precinct’s lobby. Olivia had asked him to get there as soon as possible to give a statement in the Dianna Lourdes case. That had been nearly 45 minutes ago. He makes a beeline for the closest elevator, the doors of which are beginning to slide closed.

“Hold the door!”

A hand shoots out to push back the automated doors and Carisi looks up to see the face of Sergeant Hasim Khaldun, who grins and throws him a friendly, “Counselor.” The Sergeant is wearing a leather jacket over a black tshirt and black jeans, which Carisi is beginning to think is the only color outfit he owns.

Carisi hesitates slightly, before nodding curtly and stepping into the elevator beside Khaldun, who stands an inch or two taller than himself. Carisi straightens his posture to stand shoulder to shoulder with him. “Sergeant. I take it you’re going to the same place I am?”

Khaldun shakes his head in response, a mixture of emotions playing across his face, “Unfortunately I think we are. Not how I thought I’d be spending my Monday night. Are you working this case?”

Was the Sergeant trying to pull something over on him? Trying to figure out how much he knew? Maybe Amanda hadn’t told Khaldun about Carisi’s visit to the apartment that night. His right fist clenches and unclenches to release some of his frustration as he recalls the night again. Lately he’d been so good at maintaining that professional boundary between himself and Amanda. All weekend, he’d been kicking himself for giving into the familiar feelings she stirred up in him.

How many times had he been in that same position before? Where he’d thought she was inviting him to get closer to her, only to have her reject him when he took a small step forward? He’d spent almost half of his thirties falling deeper and deeper for a woman who wouldn’t or couldn’t return his affection. And just when he’d decided on a path forward to find someone who could return those feelings, someone with whom he could build the family he craves every time he flicks on the light of his dreary 1 bedroom apartment, he had a moment of weakness. If he hadn’t given into that look she gave him, he wouldn’t be here in this elevator with Khaldun on his way to give a statement in a criminal investigation. She had an uncanny ability to pull him back, just as he was trying to leave.

“Yeah, yeah you could say that. How’s Transit Crimes treatin’ you?” Carisi does his best to disguise the disquiet he feels standing next to this man. Her man.

Khaldun seems oblivious to Carisi’s unease and laughs, “Well, only had to chase two perps through a dark tunnel today, so can’t complain. Looks like this is our floor.” The elevator dings and the two of them walk into the bullpen together.

* * *

“See? That wasn’t so bad. Now get out of here, give those girls a hug from their Uncle Fin,” Fin scoots his chair back from the table and holds the door open for Amanda.

“Maybe next time we can have a more two-sided conversation,” Amanda remarks dryly as she heads out the door towards her desk. She and Fin banter back and forth, while she pulls on her loosely fitting gray jacket.

At the sound of the two of them back in the squad room, Olivia pokes her head out of her office, “Hey, Fin, we have Carisi in interrogation two, I just finished up taking Sergeant Khaldun’s statement and cleared his alibi. Rollins, can I talk to you in my office?”

Amanda grabs her bag and steps into Olivia’s office. Olivia sits behind her desk and looks over her glasses at her recently promoted Detective, “Amanda, I’m going to need you to let Fin and Kat take the lead on this one. You’re too–,”

“But– “ Amanda begins to interject, but snaps her mouth shut as Olivia puts a hand up, gesturing for silence.

“Amanda, you’re too close to this one. You don’t want to compromise the DA’s case anymore than you already have.”

“Compromised their case?! We just found out that Dianna went missing a few hours ago. What have I–“ Amanda crosses her arms, frowning in disbelief.

“There are just too many people from the team involved. You, Khaldun, Carisi. It’s messy, doesn’t look good. I’m already fielding calls from 1PP about what an ADA and another NYPD officer were doing at your apartment that night. Just promise me you’ll let Fin and Kat do their jobs. We need to do this one by the book.”

“Alright, alright. Just keep me updated as much as you can. If I…If I’d only made her take a cab, none of this would have happened.” Amanda grips the back of her neck, casting a guilty look towards the floor.

Olivia places her glasses on her desk with a soft thud and walks around her desk to grip Amanda by the shoulders in an effort to comfort her, “You can’t blame yourself. We’re still retracing her steps from the time she left your apartment, so we don’t know what happened or when it happened yet. This is still a missing person’s investigation. Now, try to get some rest. I know this has been hard on you.”

Amanda nods, “Thanks Liv, alright. You’re right. I need to see the girls. Thanks.”

Olivia gives her a reassuring squeeze, before turning back to her desk. Amanda shoulders her bag and makes her way through the squad room just in time to see the distinctive camel-colored coat of Carisi behind the closing elevator doors.

“Carisi!” She shouts, but she’s too late and the door slides shut before she can even get his full name out. She jogs the rest of the way to the elevator bank and taps the metal down arrow repeatedly, muttering ‘c’mon, c’mon,’ under her breath.

When the second elevator finally makes its way to their floor, she rushes in, surprising two women who are deep in conversation. Amanda ignores them and continues her assault on the elevator, this time repeatedly pushing the ‘Lobby’ button to hasten the elevator doors closing.

Once they get to the lobby, she gets there just in time to see Carisi’s coat flapping in the wind as he pushes out into the brisk Spring air. Amanda runs across the massive precinct lobby, her footsteps echoing off the multicolored marble floor. Rushing through the door, a gust of cool breeze rebuffs her, but she keeps moving and yells his name one more time at the lone dark figure retreating down the building’s steps.

She slows down slightly when she sees him turn on his heel and look back in her direction. Her chest heaves up and down and she feels slightly winded from her unexpectedly brisk exit. Now, she’s standing two steps above him and meets his gaze at eye level. “Hey.”

Standing there, with the streetlight glinting off of his sleek hair, which has just started to show hints of silver, and the spring air buffeting the edges of his coat and slightly wrinkled navy suit, she can’t help but think how handsome he is and she feels a twinge of nervousness. She’s still unused to the feelings he has stirred in her lately. It’s odd, and she’s not exactly sure when it happened, but at some point, this man who’d stood with her during countless cases and who she’d always thought of as a close friend, had begun to occupy more and more of her headspace. Someone who had hardly passed her mind outside of work, had slowly come to be the person she thought of before falling asleep at night. So many nights over the last few months, she’d fallen asleep alone in bed with thoughts of Carisi rattling around her head. What she wanted to say to him, what she wanted to do with him…

He meets her gaze, before breaking eye contact, looking anywhere but at her, “Hey Rollins. How you holdin’ up?”

She forces a tired laugh, “I’ve been better. Hey, I’m really sorry about getting you mixed up in this. You shouldn’t have to give a statement for doing something nice for one of your friends.”

When she says the word ‘friends’ he feels the old pang of disappointment, defeat, in his gut. He waves his hand and bends his head down against another gust of wind, “It’s fine, Amanda. Really it’s fine.” Then he moves to leave, taking two more steps down the precinct stairs. But he stops cold when he feels the familiar hand grasp the inside of his left arm. When he turns this time, Amanda’s only standing one step above him. Her face is so close to his that he can clearly see the tiny freckle over her left ear, feel her soft exhales on his neck. They pause there momentarily, searching each other’s faces, losing themselves in a long look that electrifies the small gap between them. Carisi’s eyes flickers from her pale blue eyes and rest briefly on her lips, which are parted slightly.

It’s Carisi who breaks the stare, taking a step back, which makes Amanda drop her grip from his arm. He clears his throat, getting out a raspy, “’Manda, what do you want. I need to wrap some things up back at the DA’s office.”

Amanda can still feel the blood pulsing hot in her ears from their proximity seconds earlier. In a split second, her desire transforms into anger at the distance he keeps putting between them. This isn’t the Carisi she knows, why is he being like this?

Because of these thoughts, it comes out as more of an accusation than a question, “What’s your deal? Can’t stand to talk to your old partner for more than five minutes?”

He shoves his hands into his pocket, looks up at the full moon that hangs above them. He shakes his head in frustration, “Rollins, seriously. I have work to do. Now’s not the time to do this.”

If she wasn’t annoyed before, now she’s angry. “I deserve an explanation for why the man who I used to spend most of my time with, won’t give me the time of day anymore. You said things weren’t going to change when you left for the DA’s office, but here we are. You can’t even stand to look at me.” Her voice has raised slightly and caught the attention of the night security guards who are chatting softly at the top of the steps.

She breaths in, about to go further, but he cuts her off, “Rollins, I can’t do it,” he pauses, taking a breath before giving voice to some of the things he’d been bottling up, “I can’t keep pouring all of my emotional energy into a dead end at the expense of a real future, a real relationship, a real family. My feelings for you have been clear for years now and for just as long it’s been clear that you don’t return them.”

He turns and at the bottom of the staircase steps onto the deserted sidewalk. Amanda’s followed him down onto the concrete and is uncharacteristically quiet.

“I just – I just need some space. Not forever, just for now. Since leaving the squad and joining the DA’s office, I’ve felt like I’m finally making progress in my professional life. I want that in my personal life too. And for now, I don’t see a world where I can do that and keep up our old routine. It’s…it’s too hard for me to grab a casual drink with you. To cook with you and the girls. To see your name flash across my cell phone on Saturday. I want more than that. I need more.”

Amanda’s not surprised by any of this. He’s right, she’d had a sense of Carisi’s feelings for her since that night in West Virginia. What she is surprised by is how much she wants to close the distance between them, tell him she wants those things too. With him. But she doesn’t, because the old fear rushes in. The anxiety of the trappings of a committed relationship. The terror of the possibility of opening herself up completely and losing another piece of herself when things went wrong. Because things always went wrong.

So, when he mumbles a soft ‘goodnight’ and turns in the direction of the subway, she doesn’t move after him as his tall form fades into the darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you all for the encouraging words and follows as I chug along with this story. Planning to get the next chapter out in the next few days. How have you all been spending the COVID-19 lockdown? I'm halfway through a re-binge of SVU, LOL. Just got to S10E15.
> 
> Anyone have any good Rollins/Carisi fics to pass the time? Let me know!
> 
> Stay safe, stay healthy xx


	4. The Space Between

**CHAPTER 4 : The Spaces Between**

"Uber driver's story checks out, the convenience store cam outside Dianna's apartment recorded her exiting his vehicle and walking into her building at 12:16am," Kat announces to Fin, who's standing in front of a whiteboard outlining potential leads. Upon hearing this news, he reaches up to place a large black 'X' through a thirty-something year old man's photograph.

"Well there goes our most promising lead. Any luck tracking down Dad?" He asks, crossing his arms and looking at the young brunette. It had taken some time, but Kat was finally beginning to adjust to how things were done at SVU. Hell, when her head was screwed on right, she actually made a pretty good detective and he enjoyed having her around.

"Yep, Gregory Lourdes. He's currently an in-patient at Mercy. You up for a fieldtrip?"

Fin grumbles, "Alright, but I'm driving. I still haven't forgotten how you nearly killed that dog walker last time we drove together."

* * *

Amanda flashes her badge and ducks under the yellow crime scene tape, heading towards the door of a brownstone that forensic techs swarm in and out of. Entering the building, she walks into the bright living room that is a hubbub of police activity. She approaches the lead medical examiner who is crouched down by the badly decomposing body of an elderly woman, "Detective Rollins, SVU. What we got?"

The bespectacled examiner glances up, the afternoon sun glinting off of his glasses, "I'm Yonas Meseret. Victim is a white female, late 70s. Judging by the lividity and decomp, she's been dead anywhere between 32 and 48 hours."

While the examiner is talking, she scans the lushly decorated room: No signs of a struggle, no visible blood spatter, or evidence of forced entry. At first glance, this looks like a shut and closed case of a senior dying from natural causes. "Why'd you call in SVU?"

Yonas uses his gloved hand to flip over her down turned arm. On the pale underside of her arm, someone had written in large black letters 'BABY KILLER.'

Alright, so not a shut and closed case. Amanda squats down to get a closer look, before returning her attention to Yonas, "Sounds like Grandma's not as harmless as she looks. Walk me through everything you know so far."

When Yonas is halfway through his evaluation, Amanda feels the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. Craning her neck around instinctively, she's looking straight at a man's knees. Glancing upwards, her gaze settles on a pair of familiar pale blue eyes. But Carisi isn't looking at her, he's frowning down at the deceased woman, arms crossed.

"Any idea on cause of death?" He asks Yonas, intently keeping his focus on the medical examiner and not his former partner. He feels a pang of something in his chest, he's not sure if it's anxiety or embarrassment or possibly both, being close to her so soon after their encounter on the precinct steps.

"The decomposition makes it hard to say. I'll need to get her back to the medical examiner's office before I can say for sure," Yonas stands and removes his light blue gloves, Amanda following suit. She nods in Carisi's direction, "What brings you here, Counselor?"

Carisi forces himself to look down into the inscrutable face that's turned upwards to his. How many times had she looked up from her desk to find him studying her in the squad room? He'd known her for so long, had catalogued her expressions and idiosyncrasies. But just when he thought he understood her, could predict what she was going to do next, she would do or say something new and unexpected.

"Hadid sent me down as soon as she heard. Your victim's Carina Schellschropp, the widow of former Police Commissioner Schellschropp. The brass are pressuring us to make sure there's a conviction in the event of foul play."

While they've been talking, Yosef and his team have removed the late Mrs. Schellschropp to the ambulance they'd both passed on their way in. Now, it's just the two of them, a forensic tech who's dusting the large bay window in the room for prints, and another tech who's photographing the other side of the room.

Determined not to let any discomfort linger between them, Amanda nods briskly and brushes past him to exit the room. As she does, the back of her forearm lightly grazes his palm. She tries to ignore the desire this triggers in her. She wonders, 'Does he feel it too?,' but instead asks "Want a ride back to your office? It's on my way."

She expects him to say no and is surprised when he says, "Yeah…yeah that would be nice. Thanks."

As they exit the brownstone, the two of them go over the details of the investigation. And as Amanda watches him duck into the passenger side, she can't help but smile slightly, because this is what she's missed.

* * *

"Mr. Lourdes, look you have two visitors!" The bubbly nurse announces as she pulls back a faded tan curtain to reveal a middle-aged man dressed in a white hospital gown.

When Fin and Kat flash their badges, his eyes widen slightly and he asks in a raspy voice, "Detectives? What can I help you with."

The two detectives exchange glances and Kat takes a step forward, "Mr. Lourdes-"

"Please, call me Greg." He extends a hand in greeting and Kat holds on to it as she delivers the news, "Greg, your daughter, Dianna, she's missing."

Greg looks lost for words and shakes his head in disbelief, "Missing?"

"She hasn't been seen since Saturday. Do you know anyone who might want to hurt your daughter?" Fin asks while moving to the end of Greg's bed.

"Saturday? Then there must be some sort of mistake. She was here last night."

* * *

"I swear, I left the girls alone in their room for two minutes, TWO, and when I came back in Billy had a red marker Joker-style smile from ear to ear. Jury's out on who the culprit was." Amanda and Carisi are laughing as she pulls up to the massive building housing the Manhattan DA's office.

"My money's on Franny," Carisi chuckles and laughs harder when Amanda passes her phone to him to show him photographic evidence of the crime. He looks up and says with a glint in his eye, "I miss those two troublemakers. Can't say I'm surprised – they come by it naturally."

Amanda cocks her head to one side slightly and grins, is he…flirting with her? Without thinking about what she's doing, she rests her hand on top of his and squeezes it, "They miss you too. I – I miss you, Dominick."

The atmosphere in the car shifts. The laughter that had filled the car mere seconds before has dissipated into a thick silence, heavy with possibility. Carisi's eyes drift down to her small hand gripping his and feels something swell in his chest. He suddenly feels like he's standing on the edge of a narrow canyon and one small misstep could be the end of everything. It's terrifying, but it's exhilarating at the same time.

The only sound in the car is their slow breathing and the muffled sounds of New York City rush hour outside. Amanda can't read the expression on his face. Her breath catches as she wonders if she's done the wrong thing. He'd made it clear that it was too late. She withdraws her hand and begins to apologize, "I'm sorr-"

But before she can finish, Carisi shakes his head and slides his hand gently behind her head so she can feel the warmth of his fingers on the back of her neck and the pad of his thumb on her jaw. They've both leaned in slightly and Amanda realizes for the first time that his pale blue eyes are punctuated with speckles of hazel. It feels good, being here with him, his fingers tangled in her hair. She reflexively reaches her hand to his chest, gripping the lapel of his coat and pulling him closer.

Carisi's face softens as he whispers, "'Manda, I-," but he's interrupted by a sharp buzzing from Amanda's phone, which is still gripped in Carisi's right hand. The two of them glance down to see 'Incoming Call: Hasim Khaldun' flash across the screen.

As quickly as they had found themselves wrapped up in each other, Carisi and Amanda unfold from one another now. Carisi thrusts the cell phone back into Amanda's palm, mumbles something about being late, and before she knows it he's gone.

* * *

_A/N: Thank you all so much for the encouraging comments. This past week was a STRUGGLE and y'all helped me get through it :)_

_I'm planning on getting the next chapter up within the week! I'm thinking it will be the last chapter...I'll be curious to hear what you think about whether to continue or not!_

_Now to start planning the next Rollisi story...LOL can't get enough of these two._


	5. Closing the Gap

**CHAPTER FIVE : CLOSING THE GAP**

"You'll never guess who we have in interrogation two." Fin turns around in his chair, arms crossed, as Amanda eases behind her desk.

"Good morning to you too," she replies sarcastically. She'd thought the two of them were the first people from the immediate squad in the bull pen, so she is surprised to hear they're already interviewing a perp.

"Dianna Lourdes."

Amanda is floored, "What? Where did you find her? Why do you have her in an interrogation room? She should be in the interview room."

"Turns out Dianna Do-Gooder was the mastermind behind her own kidnapping. Her dad let it slip that he'd seen her after she was supposed to have disappeared. Using the information she provided at the hospital, we tracked her down to a sublet in Queens. From the sounds of it, she staged everything and made a deal with her boyfriend and a friend to collect on her own missing persons reward. Sounds like she did it to try and pay for Dad's hospital bills. He's got lung cancer, stage four."

Amanda shakes her head in disbelief. While Fin was talking through the case, she'd stood up and started pacing back and forth with arms crossed. She can't believe it, that she'd unwittingly allowed someone like this to be alone with her children. She stops pacing by Fin's desk and asks, "Did she allocute?"

"Yep. But she didn't need to, she documented the whole plan in her text exchanges with the boyfriend and friend. Carisi's in there cutting her a deal now. Sounds like the DA's office wants to go easy on her, what with the sick dad and all."

Amanda's face must have betrayed her when Fin mentioned Carisi's name, because he raises an eyebrow at her now, "You two good? You and Carisi, I mean."

"We're fine, we're good." The answer comes a little too fast, indicating that things are definitely not fine or good.

The previous night, against her better judgment, Amanda had texted him, asking a similar question to the one Fin posed to her just now: ' _Hey, everything okay?_ '

It had taken a while for him to type his response: 'Yeah, we're good Rollins. I'm sorry for what happened in the car today…not sure what came over me.'

No mention of Khaldun, a passing reference to their moment in the car. For a Carisi text, it was surprisingly brief. This was the man who used to send her novel-sized texts when she texted him simple yes/no questions. Not wanting to push the issue further, she'd put her phone away and gone to sleep.

Amanda's attention returns to Fin, who's narrowed his eyes and responded dubiously, "Mhmm."

She bats the air playfully and turns her back on him, returning to her desk. Sometimes no reply is the best reply.

About half an hour later, Amanda looks up to see Carisi exiting interrogation two. Her eyes follow him as he crosses the far side of the squadroom towards the elevator bank. Part of her wants to get up and follow him into the elevator and finish what had started in front of the DA's office yesterday. But another part of her, the rational side, tells her to stay put. And because that part is louder, she stays anchored at her desk and watches him disappear behind the metal elevator doors. As they shut, for the briefest of moments, her eyes catch his and she feels a pang of longing in her chest, but it disappears with him.

* * *

Carisi rubs his eyes with the palms of his hands. It had been another long day at the office, but a productive one. The jury selection for Sir Toby's trial finally went through and he'd closed out the Lourdes case. He shuts off his computer and gathers his briefcase and coat. As he descends the DA office's elevator and begins his commute home, his mind drifts to Amanda.

He'd felt her eyes on him as he'd left the squad room early that morning, felt a pang in his chest as he locked eyes with her seconds before the elevator doors had slid shut.

Seeing 'Hasim Khaldun' flash across her phone screen during the moment they'd shared had made him realize how foolish he'd been to think that things had changed between himself and Amanda. For the briefest of moments, Carisi allowed himself to hope that she cared about him the same way he cared for her. But it was clear that she'd continued talking to the transit crime sergeant despite whatever had been going on between them. Carisi now knew that she was just lonely, reaching out for someone, anyone. And he couldn't stand being one of the options, he wanted to be the only option. The way he'd thought of her from the start.

He inserts his key into his apartment door knob and pushes the door open, making a silent pact with himself to move on. He flicks on his hallway light and discards his coat and briefcase on the sideboard next to the door.

After changing into a pair of old NYPD sweats and a white tshirt, Carisi returns to the kitchen to pour himself a drink. While taking his first drink, he hears what sounds like a faint knock coming from his front door. Glancing at his oven stove, which reads '10:48 PM,' he frowns. No one should be at his door so late, it must be someone visiting his next door neighbor.

But as he turns back to his drink, he hears a much louder, more self-assured knock. Carisi places his drink down on the counter and moves towards his door. Taking a look through the peep hole, he opens the door quickly, "Amanda?"

* * *

Her heart is racing as he opens the door, "Hey." The greeting hangs in the air between them. Seeing him standing there in his sweats with his usually well-groomed hair standing on end, Amanda is struck with an impulse to reach out, to wrap herself up in him, but she pushes this urge down and smiles weakly, "You going to invite me in?"

She sees him hesitate, but is relieved when he pushes the door open wider and gestures her inside. Amanda's only been to this apartment a handful of times and every time she'd been here before, she'd had the girls in tow. Being here with him alone is a new experience and she senses a current of tension running between them.

"You want a drink?" Carisi picks up his glass, but she shakes her head and the two of them move into his small living room and take a seat on opposite sides of the couch.

Carisi studies her as she makes herself comfortable, "Everything okay, Rollins?"

She shifts in her position on the couch slightly, "Thanks for cutting Dianna a deal today. She did a messed up thing, but she was just tryin' to help out her old man."

He nods, but he knows that's not really what's on her mind, "What's the real reason you came down here? I know you didn't come all the way here and pay the sitter overtime just to thank me."

"I – I wanted to talk about what happened yesterday." She exhales, subconsciously gripping the back of her neck with one hand where the ghost of his touch from yesterday lingers.

"Listen, I –"

Amanda interrupts before he can go further, "No, I need to get this out. I know how it must look to you – Hasim and me spending time together. The reality of the situation is that we've gotten drinks once and he's called a few times to try to set something else up. But last night I told him I can't. I can't because as much as it pisses me off, I can't stop thinking about you."

She pauses to see the impact of these words, but the ADA is sitting as still and unreadable as a rock at the opposite end of the couch. She pushes onwards, "For a long time now, I've denied my feelings for you to myself, to my friends, to my therapist. I just- I can't do that anymore. After everything that happened with Bucci, I don't want to live with regrets. For a while now, a long while, it's always been you."

Carisi runs his hand through his hair. He can feel his heart pounding against his chest, but does his best to stay calm. How long has he waited for her to say these things? How many times has he imagined being alone with her here – him reaching out and pulling her to him?

The two of them sit in silence as Carisi mulls over what Amanda has said. She's edged slightly closer and looks at him expectantly.

It takes everything he has to stop himself from moving closer to her. But as much as Carisi wants to reach out, finally experience the brush of her lips against his own, the past rejections swarm through his mind and he pulls back instead. He shakes his head and sighs, "'Manda, I can't. You know how much I care about you, care about the girls. As much as I want it to, I don't see how it could work. I think…I think we missed our window. That maybe we really are better suited as friends."

Amanda takes in what he's said and gives a small nod. She had suspected this might happen, but that didn't make the sting of rejection easier to stomach. "Maybe you're right."

They both stand and make their way back to the door. Carisi picks up her coat, which she'd laid next to his own. He offers the coat to her and she shrugs it onto her shoulders. Even in her winter layers, after a long day at the precinct, Amanda is beautiful. Hers is a beauty that had been at once intimidating to him, but soon became familiar and comforting; just as her thorny personality had once put him constantly on edge, but soon became endearing as he got more and more glances at the soft side underneath.

His eyes flicker to her dove white hand as it reaches out to his doorknob, hard to believe something seemingly so fragile could also be capable of wielding a deadly weapon. Standing here, in the entryway to his apartment, looking at her outreached hand and downcast eyes, a wave of longing and feelings suppressed crashes over him. Before she can edge the door open, he takes a step forward and catches her hand in his. He moves his other hand to caress the left side of her face.

And this time, for the first time, Amanda doesn't draw away. Instead, she leans in. Her breath catches as she looks into the eyes of her former partner. She'd spent so many nights thinking about what this would be like, what this would feel like, but this was unlike anything she'd conjured in the loneliness of her bedroom.

They stand there like that for a moment, taking in the last moment before they irreversibly alter the trajectory of their lives. It feels momentous, this step that they're about to take together. Both of them know that this isn't going to be a passing moment of lust, they know that whatever it is that's happening between them goes deeper than that, is more powerful than that.

"Are you sure?" Carisi rasps in her ear, tilting her chin up slightly. She nods firmly, and as soon as she does he bends down to meet her lips with a timid kiss, taking his time to explore her lips for the first time. This initial kiss, soft, innocent, recalls years of unspoken feelings, yearning, and tension. These feelings intensify as she moves in closer to him, melding her body against his. Quickly, the initial timidity melts away and he kisses her harder, faster. This kiss has awoken a deep need, a desperation to show her how he never stopped caring, how he has always loved her, how he has always been hers.

Desire floods through Amanda's body as Carisi envelops her. She runs her hands through his hair, pushing him back against the hallway wall. Her eyes flicker open as he takes a hold of her lower back, his warm hand grazing her skin, and spins her so that now she's the one pinned against the wall. He bends down to kiss her neck and Amanda laughs, making him pull back momentarily and look at her with a confused expression.

"What happened to missing our window?" She teases him, kissing him lightly.

Carisi shakes his head, casting her a tender look that makes her want him more. He pushes her hair back and smiles softly, "I couldn't close it, not to you. But you already knew that." And he bends his neck down, again closing the distance between them in a passionate kiss.

They're moving down the hall now, bodies moving in sync like they've done for years, using their hands to explore what they've each been guilty of looking at but never touching. In a strong impulse of desire, Carisi hoists her into his arms and Amanda wraps her legs around his torso. They stumble through the doorway to his bedroom and fall onto his bed in a tangle of limbs. They quickly come back together, making it difficult in the dark to tell where one or the other began.

For a brief moment, they pull back slightly to study each other in the dim streetlight filtering through the apartment shades. Carisi plants a kiss on her collarbone and whispers, "I missed you, partner." She laughs, pulling him closer, so that they're nose to nose. Amanda's demeanor changes from light to serious in an instant and she says softly in a way that makes him want to do whatever he can to make her happy, to protect her always, "Never leave me, Dominick."

But even before she says it, she already knows he won't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: And that's a wrap! It's a big, scary place out there lately so I hope this brings some comfort to my fellow shippers in the world.
> 
> Going to start brainstorming for my next SVU fic, shoot me a comment or a message if you'd like to commission anything :) Love you all - I always love hearing from you about what you think. You all make my heart sing!
> 
> PS: You can find more of my SVU musings on Tumblr - ilysvu


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